Insights

You have changed so much; You don’t even write a blog anymore¹

2008-10-14T00:42:00.000-07:00

You are not as funny as you used to be. You have grown old. You have stopped laughing. You are in depression for leaving the States.

The best was - You have completely changed. You don’t even write a blog anymore. (How ‘changing’ which happens as a normal course, approximately 3 months after one starts dating a woman, is related to writing a blog. I don’t know)

Such were the comments from a dear woman friend of mine, from my days in the land of opportunity, when we spoke yesterday. The idea was to get me back to writing.

For the last so many months, friends and foes alike, have asked me to start writing again. Friends because they are my friends, and by virtue of that, they have not much to do. Foes because they still think I can actually become something one day. (Little do they know). So, after getting tired of distracting me by way of other means, they want me to write uselessly.

Well then, you may ask, and rightly so, as to why am I beginning to write again?

Maybe I just want to maintain a bit of sanity in my incredibly ‘legal’ life. Legal may not be construed as boring in the preceding sentence, by the way.

Regardless, the point is that I am back in the game. My foes have succeeded, and my friends have another reason to waste time. For me, I am still single, driving even a smaller car, living with parents, and writing a blog on a Saturday night.

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I am blessed with living in the City of Lights these days. Those of you who grew up watching PTV (Pakistan Television Channel) will know what I am talking about.

Those of you who were deprived like myself, whose parents wanted TV to be educational, and only allowed them to watch PTV2, may have difficulty understanding this phrase. For these creatures, I have nothing to say but to express my utmost sympathies. While this may not make things any better, may I just suggest that many of my friends attribute my personality deficiencies to watching PTV2 throughout childhood. To what extent it is correct, I will let the avid audience of PTV2 decide.

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Coming back to the City of Lights. Karachi. In spite of the kidnappings, robberies, muggings, electricity shutdowns, traffic jams, and what not, it is still considered the City of Lights. How so, you may ask? Well honestly, I have been here for quite some time but haven’t figured it out. Perhaps I will go watch the all time educational channel, PTV2, and see if I can find an answer.

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I had a very pro-Pakistan friend who had never traveled outside Pakistan. He went to the land of opportunity to pursue a masters degree. He of course hailed from the beautiful “City of Lights”. His remarks, a couple of months after he left Karachi, were

“Dude, what are we calling a city of lights? I was dumbfounded when I landed here…”

I will spare you the details but it is worth mentioning that he did not go to NYC or LA. He actually went to this small town in Kentucky.

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Does anyone else see the irony in the fact that the City of Lights faced an average electricity shutdowns of 16 hours last month. Most of the shutdowns happened during the night.

City of Lights is conserving energy.

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Most of you are probably familiar with the posts I wrote a couple of years ago, titled Dating a Desi Girl 101. Something very interesting happened a couple of days ago. Someone left a comment on that post advertising their online singles website. I am not sure if I am thought of as a desperado or what. But at a certain level, my blog being used for advertising ‘meet singles’ website, is somewhat promising.

Whether I started writing again to avoid such instances is probably not true. But then again, as they say, never say never.

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1. From a rather nostalgic conversation last night. Not mine, but I refuse to give due credit.

A tale of people that did'nt learn from history...

2007-04-16T18:00:00.000-07:00

We have all cried and sobbed at the unfortunate loss of Pakistan against Ireland. The humiliating defeat has left some of us dejected, some depressed, and some outright violent. The drama of the death of Bob Wolmer that ensued has also sent shock waves amongst cricket fans. We slowly come at terms with the reality; we slowly realize, re-realize, and finally understand, that while the finest teams of the world are playing admirable cricket in Super-8, we were kicked out by a non-test playing, non-ODI playing nation.

Shame.

When nations are collapsing, when states are disintegrating, then this demise is witnessed in each and every institution. Cricket being just one of them.

I am not going to talk about the imposition of ‘dictatorship’ in the form of a General on cricket board. I know it’s a thing of past. I am not even going to complain about the mishandling of the team before World Cup, the bowling coach, the administration of PCB, etc.

No Sir, I am not going to talk about the past. The damage has been done. What was to happen, has happened. Hundreds like me kept banging their heads against the wall and no one listened. And why would they? Who cares about the ‘drawing room philosophers’?

A man can give up thinking about past, speaking about past, talking about past, writing about past. But what to do when even after such a humongous catastrophe, the nation in general, and the ‘Cricket powers that be’ in particular, have learned no lesson? I would have kept quite, but my blood started boiling with anger and disgust at the following events. I can’t help but scribble down my thoughts.

First event:
We all love Inzemam, don’t we? Who doesn’t recognize his contribution to Pakistani cricket? Is it only I who sometime skipped a class to watch Inzemam’s innings? And I kid you not, there were times when I was more interested in how much runs did Inzi score, and less interested in Pakistan’s total score.

That very man has lost even the minutest respect he had amongst the people. Part of it is the fact that he played a key role in bringing Pakistan cricket to this abyss, but more so because he has the guts to come on TV and tell people that Pakistan lost because of bad luck. (the exact words were ‘qismet’). I mean, have we lost all sense of self-respect, all sense of taking responsibility for our failures?

As the ‘Sultan of Multan’ wept on his way out during his last One Day International, I contemplated

No wonder Pakistan team had to see this point. If the Sultans are to start weeping in public, then what better can you expect?
I also wondered if he cried because it was his last ODI, or was he for once remorseful for the absolute nadir he has taken Pakistani team into?

Second event:

Many informed Pakistanis are baffled at the incident below. Instead of reorganizing, in fact, revamping the Pakistan Cricket Board, what Dr. Naseem Ashraf did was to pack the whole PCB with his cronies. Not surprisingly, many and most of them are high ranking government officials. Eloquently dressed in their Armani suits, they attended the press conference organized by Naseem Ashraf and vowed to bring order to Cricket.

For once, can we please put an end to pleasing the Generals and bureaucrats? For once, can we please think about the sport? The Nation? For once can we please let Cricket into the hands of cricketers, and not officers?

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My blood, along with that of several others who are dismayed, keeps boiling.

Could the 'silent majority' please speak up?

2007-04-09T17:55:00.000-07:00

I am a fan of Mr. Mohsin Hamid ever since ‘Moth Smoke’. It was indeed refreshing to see a timely and critical article by him in New York Times. Mr. Hamid rightly points out that General Musharraf has never been popular amongst the masses. Mr. Mohsin Hamid, however, fails to recognize the very inherent flaw with Pakistanis who have been supportive of the current regime.

President Musharraf took over power in a coup after over-throwing a popular and democratically elected government. Notwithstanding the fact that there are certain things that General Musharraf has done for the country which are very commendable, no good should be expected out of a person who himself came to power by violating the constitution. It is, in fact, very naïve to hope that a general will build institutions for a nation. If Pakistanis desire ‘institutions’, people through their democratically elected representatives will have to establish them. Democracy is the most vital institution and before ‘establishing’ other institutions, Pakistan will have to let democracy flourish.

The silent majority that Mohsin Hamid refers to is that very educated and elite class of Pakistan which is perfectly pleased and content with status quo. The only reason there is a slight uneasiness amongst them is because they have just woken up to realize that the whole nation has crumbled. Corruption is rampant and undemocratic forces are employing any and all mechanisms in order to further their grip on power. The forces of fundamentalism and fanaticism are on the rise, thus filling the gap created by sidelining the political parties. The spirit of society is wounded; if no action is taken at this moment, the whole of Pakistan will disintegrate.

Lest the so called ‘silent majority’ miss even this opportunity to rise for democracy, history will never forgive her for its apathy.

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The article by Mohsin Hamid mentioned above can be found at

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/03/27/opinion/27mohsin.html

Due process of law, and its lack thereof

2007-03-12T14:15:00.000-07:00

The events of last few days must leave little doubt regarding what was the real motive behind the ‘open letter’ this author duly published last week. It is more than clear that certain ‘higher authorities’ were behind this letter with a purpose that is anyone’s guess now. I am told by some lawyers and others close to Pakistani politics that not all the facts mentioned in this letter are untrue. It is maintained by them that most of the claims in the letter are partially true. Why is the general public so upset then? Why have the lawyers refused to enter the courts, and why has the whole nation concurred on this blatant act of autocracy?

The fifth Amendment to the U.S. constitution, which was included in the document on 12/15/1971, states,

“No person shall be… without due process of law…”

The term “due process of law” has been often imported into Pakistani political and legal discussions.

The argument goes that even if the allegations against the Chief Justice of Pakistan are factual, the government of the day must follow the constitutional provisions laid down for taking account of such behavior. Essentially then, there must be a ‘due process of law’.

There is no justification for keeping the honorable Chief Justice of Pakistan in Army house for 6 hours, stopping him from going to Supreme Court by the police officers, putting him under house arrest, making him incommunicado, allowing him to meet only 4 persons in more than 72 hours, and then on top of that, claiming that all these actions are constitutional by the sycophants of General Musharraf.

True that a person whose very basis is wrong, someone who rose to power by overthrowing a Prime Minster enjoying two thirds majority of the country’s parliament, a person who lead a coup after he was removed from the army, a person in whose regime the country has seen its worse, can possibly not have any regard for ‘due process of law’.

On a related note, since Mr. Ch. Shujaat Hussain is in America these days, could he please spend some time understanding the principle of democracy which he claims to have restored in Pakistan. Perhaps a little bit of reading, reasoning, and rationality will make it clear to him that the egregious removal of Chief Justice of Pakistan is not a ‘private matter’ between the Army and the Judiciary. The modern world defines democracy differently, Chaudry Sahib, then what you call ‘Jamhooriat’ as you lounge in your palaces in Punjab.

Is everything legal in Pakistan? Really?

2007-03-10T04:08:00.000-08:00

Note: The blog owner does not accept any responsibility for the materials and facts mentioned in the letter.

Below is a letter from a prominent Pakistani lawyer to the Chief Justice of Pakistan. While I am a proponent of maintaining the sanctity of the judiciary and especially that of the Cheif Justice of Pakistan, I think the view point of an eminent advocate of Supreme Court of Pakistan carries substantial, if not significant, weight and must at least be given a thorough read.

I will conceal my emotions here because being an 'ordinary' man; I do not think they matter. However, I have 2 friends, both very eloquent, erudite and learned who took this letter very differently.

One was so shocked at the conduct of judiciary that he practically stayed awake all night.

The other dismissed the idea claiming that 'in Pakistan, everyone does this'

Now, I am no political philosopher, nor am I by any stretch of imagination a sociologist, nevertheless, I wonder if such disparities in perceptions represent the very nucleus of the depleting Pakistani society? A society that lacks any morals, values, traditions, but boasts BMWs, multiple TV channels, alcohol, etc.

When there is a lack of rain in the fields of Pakistan, on Fridays the mosques would have special prayers where the believers would cry, weep, and sob, and where they would turn their hands upside down to pray for rain. Turning the hands upside down when praying signifies, or rather asserts, a state of helplessness and weakness. It tells the Almighty, O’Allah, we have had enough, we are hapless, we are the unfortunate ones, forgive our sins and have mercy on us.

Considering the apathy of the nation, and realizing the ineffectiveness of our youth to send the dictators back to barracks, I wonder if the time has come to go to mosques and start praying with our hands upside down?

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February 16, 2007

Mr. Justice Iftikhar Mohammad Chaudhry
Chief Justice
Supreme Court of Pakistan
Islamabad

Subject: Open letter to the Chief Justice of Pakistan

My Lord,

I write this letter as an Officer of the Supreme Court, as an Advocate enrolled in the apex court since 1984 and in the High Courts since 1972, as an Attorney who has paid more income tax from his earnings in the legal profession than many of my friends, colleagues and seniors elevated to the Bench and as a stake holder in the dispensation of justice, intimately and vitally interested in the functioning of the Supreme Court.

Many judges who adorn the Bench in the Supreme Court and the High Court know me over decades, as a person endowed by nature with a pleasant disposition and acceptance of human failings. Towards the courts, my approach has always been of consistent and continuous display of respect and humility. I bow out of conviction, not compulsion. I use the words “My Lords”, because I want to, not because I have to. As an Attorney, I look up to the court and want to see it on a high pedestal of dignity, compassion and justice, tempered with mercy.

I have seen my Supreme Court headed by Justice Hamood-ur-Rehman, Justice Yaqoob Ali Khan, Justice S. Anwar-ul-Haq, Justice Haleem Ahmed and how the court functioned under them in the seventies / eighties.

I witnessed the proceedings for the ouster of Justice Sajjad Ali Shah, became aware that the then Prime Minister of Pakistan had ‘worked’ on some judges of the Supreme Court and saw the physical assault on the court.

I was appalled at the manner in which Justice Irshad Hasan Khan led the Supreme Court and pained at the insinuations against Justice Sheikh Riaz, when he was the Chief Justice.

I was horrified by the establishment of a Bench of five judges constituted by Justice Nazim Hussain Siddiqui to determine whether reduction in the retirement age for judges was constitutional or not. This was clearly designed to block your appointment. I was against the idea of Mr. Amirul Mulk Mengal being made the Chief Justice before you. Within the limits of my influence (which I readily admit to be very limited), I was totally for you to become the Chief Justice. Justice Javed Buttar is aware of my position, as is the Attorney General for Pakistan. The accelerated issue of the notification appointing you the Chief Justice put Justice Siddiqui’s move to rest.

I believed that you were vigorous, capable of lifting up the Supreme Court, creating an espirit-de-corps among your brother judges, restoring the dignity and grandeur of the apex court, particularly considering the long tenure before you.

Alas this has not come about.

I am not perturbed by your insistence on protocol (despite my belief that the Chief Justice would rise in the eyes of everybody if he walked from his residence to the court and hooters, police escort, flags is just fluff not the substance of an office).

I am mildly amused at your desire to be presented a guard of honour in Peshawar. I am titillated by the appropriation of Mercedes Benz car or is it cars, the use of the Government of the Punjab’s plane to offer Fateha in Multan, to Sheikhupura for Fateha on a Government of the Punjab helicopter, to Hyderabad on a Government of the Sind’s plane for attending a High Court function, the huge amount spent in refurbishing the chamber and residence of the Chief Justice, the reservation for yourself of a wing in Supreme Court Judges guest house in Lahore, the permanent occupation by the Supreme Court of the official residence of the Chief Justice of Sind, who per force lives in the basement of his father’s house. As his class fellow in the Government College, Lahore, I can vouch that living in the basement will do him no harm.

I am not perturbed that Dr. Arsalaan (your son) secured 16/100 in the English paper for the Civil Services Examination, that there is some case against him in some court in Baluchistan, that from the Health Department in Baluchistan he has shifted to FIA, that he has obtained training in the Police Academy, that he reportedly drives a BMW 7-Series car, that there is a complaint against him with the National Accountability Bureau.

My grievances and protests are different.

I am perturbed that the Supreme Court should issue a clarificatory statement on his behalf. I am perturbed that Justice (Retd.) Wajihuddin Ahmed should be constrained to advise you on television that “people who live in glass houses should not throw stones at others”. I am perturbed that the Chief Justice should summon Mir Shakeel-ur-Rehman to his chambers on Dr. Arsalaan’s account.

I am appalled that you announce decisions in Court, while in the written judgment an opposite conclusion is recorded.

In the Petition for leave to appeal filed by Dr Sher Afghan Niazi, Federal Minister for Parliamentary Affairs (in which Respondent’s Counsel were Mr Khalid Anwar and Mr Qadir Saeed), you refused to grant leave in open Court and yet in the written order, leave was granted to Dr Sher Afghan Niazi.

On 15.2.2007, Mr Fakurddin G. Ebrahim complained that, in open Court you had accepted his appeal but dismissed the same in the judgement, subsequently recorded.

If Mr Khalid Anwar, a former Minister of Law and Parliamentary Affairs and Mr Fakrhuddin, Senior Counsel are treated in this manner, the fate of lesser known lawyers would certainly be far worse.

My grievances also concern the manner in which the last and highest court of appeal is dispensing justice, under your leadership.

My Lord, the dignity of lawyers is consistently being violated by you. We are treated harshly, rudely, brusquely and nastily. We are not heard. We are not allowed to present our case. There is little scope for advocacy. The words used in the Bar Room for Court No. 1 are “the slaughter house”. We are cowed down by aggression from the Bench, led by you. All we receive from you is arrogance, aggression and belligerence. You also throw away the file, while contemptuously announcing “This is dismissed”.

Yet this aggression is not for everyone. When Mr. Sharifuddin Pirzada appears, your Lordship’s demeanour and appearance is not just sugar and honey. You are obsequitious to the point of meekness. So apart from violating our dignity, which the constitution commands to be inviolable, we suffer discrimination in your court.

I am not raising the issue of verbal onslaughts and threats to Police Officers and other Civil Servants, who have the misfortune to be summoned, degraded and reminded that “This is the Supreme Court”.

The way in which My Lord, conducts proceedings is not conducive to the process of justice. In fact, it obstructs due process and constitutes contempt of the Supreme Court itself.

I am pained at the wide publicity to cases taken up by My Lord in the Supreme Court under the banner of Fundamental Rights. The proceedings before the Supreme Court can conveniently and easily be referred to the District and Sessions Judges. I am further pained by the media coverage of the Supreme Court on the recovery of a female. In the bar room, this is referred to as a “Media Circus”.

My Lord, this communication may anger you and you are in any case prone to get angry in a flash, but do reflect upon it. Perhaps you are not cognizant of what your brother judges feel and say about you.

My Lord, before a rebellion arises among your brother judges( as in the case of Mr Justice Sajjad Ali Shah), before the Bar stands up collectively and before the entire matter is placed before the Supreme Judicial Council, there may be time to change and make amends.

I hope you have the wisdom and courage to make these amends and restore serenity, calm, compassion, patience and justice tempered with mercy to my Supreme Court.

My Lord, we all live in the womb of time and are judged, both by the present and by history. The judgement about you, being rendered in the present, is adverse in the extreme.

Yours faithfully,

Naeem Bokhari
Advocate
Supreme Court of Pakistan

Irony, par excellance

2007-01-16T09:52:00.000-08:00

The pop music scene of Pakistan is currently dominated by a pretty popular and widely watched channel, 'The Musik'. The channel mainly concentrates on Pakistani pop music, however, a fair share of time is also awarded to other Pakistani and foreign music videos.

The channel these days runs a ‘public service message’. The message starts with a memorable picture of Honorable Mr. Jinnah and Honorable Mr. Gandhi. Then, the ‘public service message’ shows the picture of an Army dictator, whose policies have left his country without an ideology and who has continued his rule at the expense of an ethnically, religiously, and racially divided nation. Yes, none other than the favorite of English speaking American educated elite class of Pakistan, General Musharraf.

The General is shown in an army uniform. The caption of this picture makes it one of the most ironic pictures of 2006. It read, ‘A revolution is in progress’.

This is a television that targets the youth of the Islamic Republic. The youth of Pakistan are so misinformed, unfortunately enough, that they have come to terms with a dictator; some so eloquently arguing that democracy is not for Pakistan. Gone are the days when Karachi University was highly political, very intellectual institution, and it was at this prestigious school that the winds of changes would start to blow. And the sycophants of Islamabad would feel the change, as soon as the students of Punjab University would make up their mind that enough is enough.

Not anymore my friends, not anymore. Now the students of these places are no where to be seen, and are replaced by English speaking graduates of IBA, LUMS, SZABIST, CBM, and the like. Dressed in their white shirts, navy blue suits, and pink ties, they head to the corporate Pakistan every morning, and spend their time talking about cell phones, plasma TVs, imported cars, parties, alcohol, and every material thing one can think of. They are happy earning Rs. 25K as management associates, and take great pride in going on a vacation to Dubai. They also argue that Pakistan has never made the progress that it is making now. How misinformed are they, really?

Do they not see the very spinal cord of Pakistan, our identity, being ruptured? Do they not see how the army has solidified itself, and now boasts to be a political force? Do they not see that while the poor is getting poorer, every single army officer is getting rich? What about the Fake Muslim League politicians who have taken corruption to a new level? What about a Prime Minster who cannot realistically be elected even to the post of a councilor? (Nazim is too far of a stretch for the well kempt banker) No Sir, who cares about this. Lets talk about the new Nokia 6230, and the ring tones that Telenor is offering.

Witnessing such incredible irony on a TV that targets the youth - where an army General is termed a revolutionary - would make people shed tears of blood. The youth of Pakistan is so apathetic that it doesn’t even criticize such statements, let alone shedding tears. And those who do are termed backward and uneducated. If education is the name of banishing Islam, adopting army rule, supporting the west without any logic, sidelining all political parties, violating human rights, then yes I am not only uneducated, I am a complete illiterate. And so are the rest of us who refuse to bow in front of the totalitarian regime.

And we refuse to accept this order. An order of pseudo-democracy.

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"The time has come, Mr Speaker, that we should say, Mr Martial Law, attention, about-turn, quick march, go back to your barracks and never come again."

- Mr Javed Hashmi from his speech in the National Assembly delivered on June 6, 1985. Mr. Hashmi is currently in jail for speaking against the army. He belongs to the Nawaz Sharif’s faction of Pakistan Muslim League.

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Deep jis ka mehlaat he mein jalay, Chand logoon ki khushion ko lay kar chalaye,
Woh jo saye mein har maslihat ki palaye,
Aisaye dastoor ko, subh e bay noor ko,
Mein nahen manta, mein nahen jaanta

From Dastoor by Habib Jalib

Translation

The light of which is only in castles, in palaces,
That which is at the whim of certain people, an elite class
That which is compromised by its creators, for its creators,
That constitution, a morning without a light,
I refuse to recognize, I refuse to acknowledge.

Subject: Blogs: Why ban such an effective media?

2007-01-12T09:34:00.000-08:00

Merriam-Webster dictionary defines ‘Blog’ as ‘a website that contains an online personal journal with reflections, comments, and often hyperlinks provided by the writer’ According to a blog search engine there are currently 60 million operational blogs. Surprisingly enough, there are some blogs that receive more than a million hits a day.

Blogs provide an extremely cheap yet effective medium of communication. By way of a blog, anyone with an ability to write, and the fervor to do so, can scribble his thoughts about various issues ranging from politics, religion, food, sports, media, law, medicine, and the list goes on. More importantly, a blogger can publish his/her thoughts on a blog with practically no cost and this ensures that even ‘not so commercial’ issues are being discussed and deliberated upon.

Unfortunately enough, the Government of Pakistan has banned the most famous blogging website, www.blogspot.com. The ban came after one of the blog writers posted the unfortunate and disrespectful cartoons of Prophet Mohammad (PBUH) initially published in Denmark. While there is no denying to the fact that such an instance must be curtailed to the extent possible, there is also no explanation for blocking several millions blogs.

The present government has done a marvelous job by allowing multiple private TV and radio channels, thus ensuring general public’s access to unbiased news. The concerned authorities must also lift the ban from www.blogspot.com website so that Pakistani intellectuals can share their thoughts with millions of people around Pakistan, and all across the world, while at the same time viewing and reading others’ perspectives.

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Note: This article was orignally written to be published in Dawn newspaper as a letter to editor. Like my previous letters to the respectable newspaper, this was never published.

You are the move you make...

2006-12-29T11:58:00.000-08:00

It is often said that you are what you write…
The following is an actual email.
Readers with an inquisitive perspective will get the irony of this mail. There will be others who will wonder how does a budding lawyer get time for such bull crap.
The names in the following letter have been changed to maintain the privacy of individuals.

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Subject: What about those of us who fail to make a move?

Farkz,

Long, very long time ago, there was a cheerful, intelligent, and gorgeous girl Farkhanda. While pretty much everything about her was unique and intriguing, the epitomes were her scribbling. So eloquently she wrote, and so vehement was her style that I would read, and then read, and then read. And then again I would read.

I must confess that I did get a chance to befriend her, albeit fairly briefly. Her emails were quite fun, and the little time we spent talking was incredible. Every time I would speak to her, I would know for sure that there is much more to know about her. Her thoughts about life were exceptional, her perspective phenomenal. Once she would start speaking, I would stop talking and would loose sense of time.

There are certain relationships, or shall I say connections, to which a particular name cannot be ascribed. These are just one of those things that are better left unnamed. There is no possible explanation to writing an hour long email at midnight to someone whom you have never ‘been with’, whatever that term implies. And indeed, who is practically in love with another person and they share such bond and seem so happy together that you are willing to let her be with him because you know you cannot possibly keep her that happy. Happiness comes with money, power, and fame. Not with love.

But then again, do we really need explanations for everything?

She did, I must confess, say one phrase that explained almost every lacunae of mine. Every single mistake, every single mess-up, every little break-up. She said, as aptly as such remark deserves, and I quote. "You are the move you make". I looked back to my life and soon was I to figure out that every time when I was needed to make a move, I stayed short of it. Every time I was expected to take responsibility, to take a stand, to do what was needed, I somehow convinced myself to let the status quo prevail. A human being can convince himself of anything and everything. I kept telling myself that the time was not right. I didn’t make the move, but others did.

The world is for those who make a move.

I know she is extremely busy, perhaps even headed to a new direction in life. I hear from mutual friends that she is getting married soon. Nevertheless, to the extent possible, I would love to hear from her once in a while.

Incredible people are rare, and although I tend not to find one, I can at least stay in touch with one.

Best,

- Alam

Receding hairline… and the charms that come with it...

2006-12-16T13:23:00.000-08:00

New York: From our special correspondent

Be it known, to all concerned, that a receding hairline should not and must not be construed as a negative phenomenon. It has been determined at the recently organized International Hairless Men Organization conference that women actually prefer bald men. The bold claim that it is, its claimant has produced several case studies to support his argument. The claimant also maintained that of special success are the people who convince themselves that women love bald men, and this somehow is reflected in their personality and confidence.

The IHMO conference was attended by men from all across the world with bald men trying to figure out their true identity. Speaking to the conference, the President mentioned several reasons why men should not seek transplant or other techniques to gain their charms back. First, he pointed towards the very high ‘average net worth’ of men who are either bald or balding. Then he also showed interviews of women who attested to the fact that they do not preclude any men from dating on the basis of age, gender, color, or baldness.

In the midst of a jubilant crowd, a young Barrister from Texas asked a question regarding balding men who have a protruding stomach too. While partially giving answer to his own question, he responded by saying the all time famous expression – ‘Pait hai tau seth hai’ (Thou are a wealthy man, if thou have a big stomach). At this point several men with their humongous bellys, yes I am not using wrong vocabulary-humongous, stood up to applaud the wit of the young lawyer.

The key note address was given by a political leader who is himself bald and has been the Prime Minster of a country twice. He requested that his name not be published for security reasons but maintained that just the fact that he has been able to rise to the office of Prime Minster twice, and is probably one of the wealthiest men of his country, attests to the fact that balding men can make it. In a rather political twist to the events of evening, he said that when he was contesting for the office of Prime Minister, his Harvard and Oxford educated opponent made fun of him, maintaining that the bald man has lost his hair, and that men loose brains when they loose hair. To this, all the fat balding men stood up and shouted the slogans of, ‘shame shame’, and ‘yes we are bald, so what?’.

The conference attracted bald and fat men from every nook and corner of the world. While Doctors, Lawyers, and Bankers formed the major part of attendees, pretty much every profession was represented. At the end of the conference, a resolution was passed asking women to give preferential treatment to balding men in matters of heart, and such. The conference was followed by a protest where effigies of hair transplant doctors and the Harvard / Oxford educated former Prime Minister were set ablaze. Finally, the participants attended a dinner where Chicken Karahi, Philly cheese steak, and pizza was served. At the end of the dinner, all the balding men, with their receding hairline, protruding stomachs, and Benson and Hedges cigarettes, committed themselves to always be unhealthy and never go to the gym.

Some rather random insights

2006-12-14T08:25:00.000-08:00

Today marks the day I received a fifth email asking me if everything is alright and the reason I have not updated the blog. So, before I wander any further, my sincere apologies for once again going underground and not being able to update. Everything is fine and I have just been totally under water with research papers, exams, women, and travel. Pardon my disappearance. I do, however, agree that there is no mercy for not following the blog etiquettes. I will let you give the verdict.

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Has someone ever said something that they think will make you feel like a worthless piece of crap, but which indeed turns out to be quite amusing? Well check this out. Probably because my first name is Mohammad, every time I enter the United States, I am stopped for a special interview. There was one time I was traveling back to take up an offer of employment after I had graduated. During my interview, the immigration officer asked me why I studied finance in college. While a question like this is expected when one goes to school to study nuclear technology, in my situation it was rather surprising. As I gave my two cents, the man told me how Finance was not Medicine or Engineering and how I have not taken up the right type of career. He then told me that there was really no point traveling all the way to America to study finance when I can study it from the books in my own country.

Baffled, amused, yet intrigued I was. No relevance here, but a funny story about how someone totally unrelated can start giving you his perspective on life, knowing that you couldn’t care less.
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As we know, the Muslim holiday of Eid is fast approaching. Last Eid was full of ironies. While anything to do with fasting 12 hours a day somehow turns ironic, there were two particular events that I found quite humorous.

Firstly, there were in total 3 Eids celebrated in Pakistan. Perhaps 4 Eids were celebrated in the world. Nevertheless, addressing the people, pretty much every Imam (Religious cleric) and political leader maintained that an Eid gives us an opportunity to consolidate our thoughts and establish unity. Perhaps we should take the first step in establishing unity by having one Eid all across the muslim word?

Secondly, I think I have finally figured out a way to deal with the issue of Eid / Ramazan / Moonsighting in general. My uncle claims that the best way to tackle this issue is to start late and finish early. Said in a rather lucid manner, he thinks that in this current world of 3 or 4 or 5 Eids, one is better off starting when the last sect / mosque starts, and end with the first mosque / sect. This will ensure that I never have to fast more than 29 days in a given Ramazan. Please note that I have patented this idea and any use of it will be considered a violation of copyright.

Dr. David of Jamshoro...

2006-11-22T21:39:00.000-08:00

Dawood was indeed a lucky chap.

Named Dawood by his parents, called Dada by his buddies, D-dog by his American buddies, and Dr. David by his colleagues, Dawood was born in a small village called Shripura in the Jamshoro District of the Province of Sind. Sind is an unfortunate province in the unfortunate country of Pakistan.

Educated in the dilapidated schools of Jamshoro District, the very institutions which cannot be classified as schools per se by any standards of modern evaluation, he somehow got into Chandka Medical College, Larkana. Politically minded that he was, Dawood failed several years and spent most of his time chanting the slogans ‘Larkanay chalo, warna thanay chalo’ (‘Go to Larkana, or else go to jail’) during the breathtaking times of Zulfikar Ali Bhutto. He passed medical school not because he knew where Gluteus Maximus was, but because he was the president of student union.

Dawood’s life changed when Bhutto’s government was toppled in 1978 and he had to go underground, subsequently escaping to United States via sea. It was on the streets of Pennsylvania that Dawood transformed into D-dog, passed his USMLE and became Dr. David. It was also here that he met the gorgeous Kelly, his beautiful blonde wife who was to transform this slogan chanting ‘Jiala’ into a classy, elegant and charming doctor.

Days, weeks, months and years.

David became a father of four, each of them incredibly adorable with a unique amalgamation of Sindhi and American genes. David never went back to Shripura. He heard through third party accounts about subsequent deaths of his parents, the captivity of his colleagues by the sycophants of General Zia, the collapse of political order in Pakistan, and the economic and social turmoil that ensued.

Dr. David, or Sir David as I know him, was recently speaking to a crowded dinner in Minneapolis in honor of a Republican candidate to House of Representatives. Throughout his speech, he ridiculed Pakistan, and everything that comes with being a Pakistani. Next to him was his gorgeous wife, Kelly, who even in her fifties looks no less than a super model.

Not sure if it’s the fact that I tend to wear a suit to every occasion, or if I speak English most of times, I am usually taken as a liberal Paki. What indeed is a Liberal Paki you may ask. While a complete definition may not be possible by a person with as shallow of a wit as myself, suffice it to say for now that a Liberal Paki is a term used by a new breed of Pakistanis who tend to justify all their actions by a mere phrase – Liberal Paki.

When I had a chance to corner Sir David and his graceful wife, while sipping the Cabernet Sauvignon, he delved deep into his life in Shripura and Larkana, and told me how he hated the fact that he belonged to those villages. On my insistence that Sir David was Sir David because of Sind, he was agitated and maintained that people of Sind were thugs and were the most corrupt people in the world. Deep inside me, I wished that it was the red wine that was talking, and at some point sanity will prevail. Of course, wishes are not horses and I knew it were not to happen. Dr. David of Jamshoro hated the very soil that made the man out of him.

Success, fame, money, and power are transformational. Rather than solidifying ones beliefs, they essentially distort them. With power and wealth, one is not ready to accept where one belongs. In fact, he starts ridiculing his very origins, thus forgetting that indeed, he was at the same cross roads only quarter a century ago. Do mothers of Pakistan not bear real men anymore? Or have we just stopped realizing that everything given to us is a blessing of Allah, and that we have nothing to be proud of?

As Dr. David inquired my opinions about the motherland, I looked at the glass in my hand. The glass was filled with diet coke easy on ice, although in the setting that I was, it would be appropriate to have JD and diet coke. Had it been JD and diet coke, how different would my answer be – I wondered.

Should we welcome America’s return to sanity?

2006-11-15T06:56:00.000-08:00

Months of campaigning, heaps of debates, plenty of confrontations, rallying of masses, and much more finally culminated in a change of atmosphere in the greatest democracy of the world. United States.

While living in a foreign country comes with many unique experiences, for a person as politically motivated and involved as myself, the fact that I witnessed and actively debated about the 2004 Presidential elections is perhaps one of the most valuable experiences. (Whether I can really call myself a foreigner in America is rather debatable. That country has an impeccable record of welcoming foreigners and turning them into locals thus helping them assimilate. The question is best left for another day, time and point.)

The distinctiveness of our group, us all buddies, eight or nine of them, was the fact that we were consistently ranked at the bottom of our classes. It is indeed quite an achievement for us group of Pakis to go to US, and make sure that we dominate the bottom 20% of the class. Rare are such clans of youth who have so much in common, to the extent that none of us scored more than 2.5 GPA in our undergraduate studies. Essentially, this inclination towards studying, or its lack thereof, ensured that we had ample time to mess around. The little time we were left with, after chasing white women for a fair share of the day, was spent talking, debating, and arguing politics.

Moving on. Although Kerry was a weak candidate, and in spite of the multiple blunders of Democrats in second part of 2004, there was enough evidence to suggest that Democrats may eventually triumph. Of course the elections were in no way similar to elections in Karachi. There was no songs, no dances, no murders, no all nighters, nothing. The debate and excitement was limited to watching CNN and condemning Fox. Any way, long story short, we waited till the last state fell to the mighty hands of Republicans at 4 am in November.

It seems like things have come a long way since 2 years ago. Democrats have been able to retain the control over both the houses and there echoes a cry of change in foreign policy / war tactics in the streets of D.C. and corridors of Parliament. Moreover, for the first time in the history of US, a Muslim has been elected to the parliament. Keith Ellison is an African American who was elected from Minnesota. This could very possibly be a radical change but discussing this would be digressing from the main point.

As I spoke to my friends across US on the eve of 7th November, some of them upset some very jubilant, I wondered if this really does mark the beginning of a new era? Frankly, we now have a lame duck President, a parliament that is against the President and cannot really do much in terms of policy making and executive decisions, and 2 years to go before we can get a real President in place. The question then is, will the Democrats be of any good in these two years? More importantly, is the Democratic leadership really that superior in terms of foreign policy issues. While I have all my doubts that these elections will have any material impact on foreign affairs, I maintain an optimistic stance while keeping my fingers crossed. Whether these elections will bode a first step towards America’s return to sanity is yet to be seen.

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When North Korea conducted its Nuclear tests last month, I couldn’t stop laughing. No, not because I find nuclear bombs incredibly funny, but because of a press conference in Islamabad. While you may argue that any foreign policy press conference in Islamabad is expected to make the sane men plunge into laughter, I would rather stick to what happened that day. Pakistani government spokesman vehemently opposed and condemned the nuclear explosions by N. Korea claiming that these tests are hazardous for world and regional peace. It was also hoped that world community will react swiftly to enforce strictest economic sanctions on N. Korea.

I mean, seriously, how hypocritical are we?

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Former President of Iraq, Saddam Hussein was awarded capital punishment last week. He was sentenced by the third judge hearing the same trial.

The first judge had resigned after claiming that he was under tremendous pressure. Pressure from whom, is still unclear, albeit it is anybody’s guess. The second judge was sacked with claims that he was biased. Lawyer that I am, and politics that I like to follow, I have never seen a precedent where first a judge has resigned, and then a second judge has been sacked, and then the Prime Minister of the country still calls it a fair trial. Shit show?

What is also beyond me is why was Saddam tried in a court in Iraq where capital punishment is legal but essentially there is no law, when his peeps, Milosevic and Pinochet, and many others are tried in international courts for similar crimes?

There is much to doubt on whether the capital punishment will actually happen. The European Union and many Middle Eastern countries have already pronounced their reservations about the sentence. Pressure will also start mounting from Russia and China as the ‘appeal’ process progresses. Whether the capital punishment is executed or not will determine to a large extent what the future holds for Iraq.

Fingers crossed, we observe.

Eid mubarak, or Thank God its over...?

2006-11-05T19:16:00.000-08:00

To all my readers, a sincere Eid Mubarak.

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After decades of missing Eid prayers on one pretext or other, I was finally able to make it to the mosque this time around. Surrounded by thousands of believers, I also bowed in front of the Almighty and prayed for salvation.

The best part about Eid prayers, especially those on the Eid after Ramazan, is when you hug everyone you know with utmost fervor. Being out of the scene for so long, I observed this ritual with an entirely unbiased mindset. What I was surprised to see were the faces of youth. I had seen these faces for the last 30 days, tired, fatigued, worn out, and drained. After an exhaustive 30 day Ramazan, they were unusually bright and vivid. Devil’s advocate that I like to play, I cornered some of my buddies and asked them a fairly simple question.

‘The intensity of your hug, the three consecutive hugs, followed by a manly handshake, shows your cheerfulness and contentment. May I ask, if thou shall let me, as to whether when you say Eid Mubarak, do you actually mean it, or do you actually mean to say, Thank God its over. Lets get some Chai’1
I must confess that I did get some very mean and weird looks. But on the whole, I got those smiles and grins that confirmed my suspicion that I am not the only one who is glad its over. Satisfied, I went back home and had a mouthful of Chai.

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1. Chai is the Urdu for Tea. It should not, however, be confused with Traditional British Tea. It is much different in that tremendous hard work is put into its making. Unlike British tea which is made in a kettle, Pakistani Chai is actually made on a stove, with the rituals of mixing tea with milk and then sugar so religiously observed.

Pakistani Chai also has a social standing to it. Watching a Pakistani TV these days would ensure that you get a fairly inadequate idea of what Chai is all about. The mutual rivalry between various Chai companies, and the advertising that ensued as a result, has made sure that we see the weirdest adverts possible. It seems by watching those adverts that one does not need to be a player to get multiple hot chicks. All one needs to do it is to grab a Tapal Danedar tea cup, and the women will come running towards you. An American friend of mine, whose humor I must say is quite subtle and sarcastic, while visiting Karachi remarked that if he knew Tea would get him all that, he would give up Miller light, Vodkas and the kind.

How may we leave Chai alone from Pakistani marriages when we have not left a single thing out of them? Of course, Chai plays a crucial role in whether a girl will get hitched or not. I have been told, by sources that have traditionally been well placed, that a girl is supposed to make Chai and carry it to the ‘Wedding room’. Wedding room here refers to that eventful room where the ‘guy’ and his parents are made to sit when they venture into going to a girl’s house to get their son married. The process of a girl, so meticulously yet conservatively dressed, carrying Chai to the Wedding room for the Hubby-to be, and his parents is regarded as the most crucial step in ones marriage. Hence, Chai can essentially make or break the marriage.

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After having my Chai on the Eid day and filling my stomach with a ton of food, I realized that our Maasi (Female servant) was working on Eid day. As I walked downstairs, so eloquently dressed in my Rs. 15,000 Kurta Shalwar (traditional Pakistani dress), I saw that my Driver was ready to drive me around and my Chowkidar (Gate keeper) was protecting our house as usual. How sad I was to see that Eid is Eid only for people of wealth and stature.

Perhaps one day, in this Islamic republic, we will have an Eid for everyone? Perhaps.

One question, Two answers, One eternal single bachelor…

2006-10-26T01:30:00.000-07:00

So I have been wanting to write about this for a while, but recently, certain events transpired that made me pick my pen on this incredibly contentious topic. Novice that I am, in this city of nobody, I have still not given up on my search for a girl friend. Anyway, as I indulged into different techniques and various methods of finding the hot one, I decided to give the century old method a try. Hooking up through a friend.

Hooking up via a friend involves intricacies of such magnitude that divulging into the pros and cons of such controversial issue is highly desirable. That said, it seemed to work for an unquantifiable number of people and therefore, leader that I am not, and follower that I am, I also decided to follow the herd.

What transpired is fairly sensitive to regurgitate in front of such a diverse crowd. But what is more important for purposes of my earnest readers, is that men and women can never be equal. I used this opportunity of many rejections and dejections to elaborate and elucidate on a topic that has long been a bone of contention. How are men and women different?

I will discuss one and only one case. The endowed ones, endowed with intelligence that is, will pick up the irony and concur, thus concluding that Men were better off at Mars. The others will criticize every tiny bit of it but will fail to explain the differences between the two genders, not to mention the subtle irony that they would have completely missed. I know at least one person will respond by telling me how awful I am. I consider that particular person as a ‘Don’t know idiot’. Remember during those polls, when they ask you a simple question, Do you think David Bechkam can be a president. 50% respond affirmative, 38% say no, 10% don’t care, and 2% say so confidently, that indeed they do not know. They do not know if they think that David Beckham could be the president. How in the world do you not know something you are asked think? Just like there is no explanation for this, there is no explanation for why I am the most awful person on earth. Hence, the person making such false claims has been adequately placed into the ‘Don’t know idiot’ category.

Back to the One question two answer thing.

So, quite recently, there was much hue and cry about this girl. All geared up for trying the century old method of hooking up, I decided to seek two opinions. One from a guy friend of mine, and other from a gal friend of mine. Below is a PG13 version of my conversations, much curtailed because of the adult content that ensued after I totally lost it at my gal friend.

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Me, all excited and fully confident with this new approach: So, what do you think? How does she look?

Gal friend: Well, she has really nice features you know. Very beautiful face but a slightly big nose. She can cover it up if she puts on the right type of make up. She dresses very well although she doesn’t know how to dress up for parties. Her hair are long but I think they are too silky. She is better off taking a Chadar on her head. She is so much like her mom. But she is annoying at times.

Me, Irked, annoyed, for such a vague answer: What kind of body does she have?
Gal friend: She runs every day but you know she is too thin for your type.

Me, irritated, but still keeping my calm: Is she high maintenance?

Gal friend: She is very nice you know. I think every girl is high maintenance. You have to maintain a girl if you date her, you know what your problem is Zeeshan….” And then the long diatribe about how I am so awful.

Me, infuriated: Censured since this is the PG-13 version.
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Now my guy friend

Me: So, what do you think? How does she look.

Guy friend: Smoking hot dude. Perfect figure and one hot of a face.

Me, pleased to get a straight answer: High maintenance?

Guy friend: From PKRupees standard yes, from USD standards no. She probably doesn’t even know what Louis Vuitton purse is or what a Burberry scarf is. Go for it.

Me, glad that I will not be broke: Any baggage?

Guy friend: Some exes, but most of them douches, you can handle.

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Such wide, ample and extensive are the differences between the two genders. Let this be a proof that we need not get into a rather profound debate on why women and men cannot coexist. Minor occurrences like these prove the point.

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After this incredibly mind boggling conversation with my gal friend, and getting utterly frustrated with the fact that a guy can’t really hook me up, it has to be the gal, and that I have blurted out every possible crap in front of her, it dawned upon me that even the century old method wouldn’t work for me. So, I decided to delve into my library, searched for my FSc Physics book, and started reading it. Wonder why? In hopes that I can make a vessel that would transport all men to Mars. Women need not to move to Venus. They can have the Earth.

(I have tried, per Patras Bukharai’s1 advice, to read the chemistry book and invent a bomb. Considering that I was the only person in my batch who failed his 12th Grade Chemistry practical, I think I am better off sticking to making a vessel)

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Random, yet incredibly relevant, question:
Whats the big deal with Louis Vuitton purse or Burberry scarfs anyway?

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My great friend Zubair, (and no, unlike girls, we guys do not have best friends. Certainly not 5 million best friends), who is much dear to me and is like a brother, called the other day to tell me that he has been blessed with a wonderful son. How excited I was. After much congratulations for Ramiz’s birth, and the Eid, we hung up. I walked out of the building and deep, very deep in my thoughts, realized one thing. My class fellows are not only married - they have kids. It dawned upon me that it’s been a while, a long one indeed, that I have been able to maintain a steady girl friend. My mates have kids and I cant even maintain a steady relationship. Talk about being a looser?

1. Very famous writer of Urdu, much respected for his unique style of sarcasm.

Some change in blog nomenclature…

2006-10-09T07:04:00.000-07:00

When I landed in Pakistan this September after spending several years in the most developed country of the world, I couldn’t but believe that I am back in the ‘land of the pure’. I smelled the incredible breeze of Karachi, drove through the Sharah-e-Faisal1 early morning on a Monday, and committed myself to my city - Karachi. I realized that the only way to improve our lives is to deplore the ‘west’ to its fullest and to give up everything that has anything to do with the west. The first thing for me to do was to change into a shalwar kamez and never touch western clothing again. The second was to change my blog address to something where ‘pk’ is mentioned, which brings me so much satisfaction.

Okay, what I said is all bull shit.

A lot of you have asked as to why I changed the address to my blog. I meant for this to be a 2 line post but of course, I am known to wander and ramble once I start writing.

So, the powers at be in Pakistan have banned www.blogspot.com. Consequently, the only way for us third would pieces of crap to access someone’s blog is via a third-party website, which essentially takes you back to blogspot. Sometimes I think the people running the reins have no minds whatsoever. Whats the point of banning blogspot when you can access it through pkblogs?

Is intelligence sold somewhere? Lets ask IMF to stop curbing poverty in Pakistan and start spending some money on our establishment’s minds so they can perhaps start taking some relevant and useful decisions.

Long story short, if you are in US or any westernized country, use www.zeeshanadhi.blogspot.com

If you are a third world piece of crap like me, use www.pkblogs.com/zeeshanadhi

Enough of my ramblings for now.

1. Shahrah-e-Faisal: Karachi's biggest road, referred to some longhorns as the I-35 of Karachi. Perhaps the only road left in this city of 18 million where you can drive 60Km/hr, and that too at only 6 in the morning. Otherwise, your speed is merely 30Km/hr.

It took us a while to grow up?

2006-10-09T06:59:00.000-07:00

So remember when you began 7th grade, on your first day of class, your flamboyant teacher categorically declared that everyone in this class is a grown up. She insisted that everyone should stop thinking like a kid, which is what all of us were in grade 6, but somehow this meaningful transition occurred within a period of couple of months, and we have transformed into ‘grown ups’. Now, I was told this crap on first day of every new grade. I remember as far as grade 3, when all my teachers would prepare the same old generic speech and regurgitate it without any creative touch whatsoever. The reason I thought about this ‘grown up’, ‘mature’ stuff was because the other day, I was sitting through a postgraduate class, and the teacher ruthlessly declared, without any regards for what it may mean to call undergraduates ‘kids’, that we must now take responsibilities since we have finally grown up. He suggested, like my 7th grade Urdu teacher did, that we are no more kids (meaning, essentially, that we were kids throughout our 4 year undergraduate degrees) and that we should take full responsibility and show utmost maturity in our subjects.

While certain skills are unique to few individuals, many a attributes, specially those relating to bullshit and such, are common to all teachers.

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So what is with the crappiness of Pakistani concerts in the States? Why are they so poorly managed, without any thought put into the seamless organization of the event? Compare that with the well managed, well articulated, well advertised Indian concerts where everything seems to follow a well laid out path. Since when did the border start creating such humungous differences?

Truth be known, the only reason I would ever go to a Paki concert in US would be to check out Paki chics (and sometimes aunties, but considering the sensitiveness of the topic, and the past occurrences associated with it, lets keep it for another day, date and time). What would dawn upon me as I would enter the concert would be the well known fact that still hasn’t registered in my mind. Pakis in US do not know how to dress up in shalwar kameez. I mean, seriously, where do these women buy their clothing from?

The height was this quite hot chic, whom I would probably waste no time in asking out if she was wearing a Neiman Marcus jeans and a Nordstrom tank top. Of course at this shoddier concert, she was dressed in a purple kameez with a shocking pink shalwar.

Such dresses, smell of biryani the serving of which is so utterly mismanaged, the concert so loud that ones ear’s hurt, absolutely no chance to get any digits, Uncles looking at me as if I am a shady guy, bribing the gate-guy 5 bucks so we don’t have to buy the ticket that costs 15 bucks. That and a lot more made me decide to stop attending such gatherings of absolutely no eminence and value. Of course the decision came with even a more important decision. To date only and only blondes so I have to never come across a girl in pink shalwar and purple kameez.

While I cannot promise that the next time Strings and Junoon come to Houston, I will be hanging out at the ‘M- Bar’, that said, these days, of course, I can be found scavenging the bars and clubs of Houston in search of my soul mate.

My parents are weirdos… I am so American

2006-10-02T06:08:00.000-07:00

Albeit a fairly controversial topic, I cannot but discuss this. Not only because of my immense loathing for such behaviour but also since I would actually like to discern the rationale behind such conversations. Perhaps one day I will.

Making fun of one’s parents amongst ABCDs1 is an everyday occurrence. When in a group of desis, not a single moment is spent where somehow the conversation does not go back to the ridiculous accent of ones dad, or the miser tendencies of ones mom, or the pathetic smell of ones food, or the conservativeness of ones traditional beliefs about intra-sex interactions, and last but in no way even close to being least, the issue of arranged marriages and the lack of refinement and judgement put into it.

Such occurrences are not only common in Desi-only gatherings, but are very much prevalent amongst a desi dominated yet white represented sittings. There are thousands; I would say even millions of questions and concerns I would raise if there was to be a debate regarding such obnoxious behaviour. Considering the short attention span of my readers, I will try to keep it to a minimum.

What I absolutely fail to understand is how do people expect to be respected when indeed; they are ridiculing their parents and ancestors? Have you lost every bit of shame? Do you not revere your very own values, traditions, cultures? Do you really think it’s funny that your father doesn’t know how to pronounce ‘mischievous’ or that you mother calls Houston, ‘Hoooston’?

While there is no clemency for such loathsome behaviour, the funniest part is that all this happens in front of some neo-FOBS, who are desperate in their attempts to fit in. Some become defensive, either resigning to their own corner and shutting their mouths with fear of ridicule, others quit the group and find their solace in the MSA or the types. I won’t deny it. I have been part of these conversations more than a few times. And yes, I did pick a corner at first. But as I thought about it, it was essentially the whole bunch ridiculing me, my traditions, my culture, and my family. I reacted. Of course I was thrown out and indeed the shit show continued with the vehemence that such cerebral gatherings demand.

1. ABCD = American Born Confused Desi

A little scared we are...

2006-09-24T10:45:00.000-07:00

I am a true leader.

My leadership is democratic.

I live for my people, die for my people.

I am not scared of anything, but to be bombed to stone ages.

I am proud to lead an atomic entity.

Yet, I am afraid to stand up and hold my beliefs.

It doesn’t matter what my people think.

They are a bunch of idiots, they never went through the Army training.

Oh yes, and it really doesn’t matter if I claim myself a moderate leader.

Although that claim was generated out of a threat.

No no, I was not intimidated because I am a military autocrat.

I am the most popular leader my people have ever had.

I just don’t want to go through the trouble of asking them if they like me.

Because if they didn’t, they would oust me, right?

My sycophants tell me my popularity is increasing everyday.

I am used to making U turns and taking wrong decisions; yet I justify them.

The biggest one I ever made was in 2001.

I can prove to you that it was best for my people.

Yes I was scared, but I had made up my mind even before the threat.

It doesn’t matter if my people are in shambles; I have endowed my Army men.

I have given them plots, jobs, money, you name it.

They deserve it right? They fight for the country. Right?

Not the Jawans, Jawans are part of the people.

Same filthy poor people that have contaminated my land.

What matters are army men like me; the superior ranking ones.

Well and the normal people, who cares about these illiterate pieces of shit?

They will live or die as God pleases, what am I to do?

And yes I have mutilated each and every political party of my people.

But those politicians are thugs.

What in the world do they know?

You see, I have brought democracy to grass root level.

Although I have filled every political position and body with puppets.

I know what I am doing.

I am just scared to go back to Stone ages.

I don’t even know why I am giving explanations.

I am so confident in myself.

I have even written a book.

You should read it if you want to find more about my sensational interview.

I promise I didn’t make the interview sensational on purpose so you by my book.

Money is least important to me.

I am a strong leader and I will make my people happy.

- An unfortunate leader of an ill-fated group of people.
23rd September 2006, United States of America

Connecting to the internet in Karachi...

2006-09-16T06:11:00.000-07:00

The ordeal begins when you realized when you have not checked your email in five days. The first step is to look for a computer. More often than not, your dad’s laptop is at his office and therefore, you are left with a 486 in store room. As you proceed with the gigantic task of connecting to the internet in Pakistan, the first thing you realize is that Cybernet’s1 phone would not go through. Frustrated, you call the help line, which again is busy. You call your buddy from high school, and he starts making fun of how you have lost patience and have turned into an American. As you cajole him into divulging the coveted details, he tells you a dial up number that has not been released to the public. Hesitantly you ask him how was he able to secure such a number. He giggles, and informs of his unique ability to pay any person and get anything done. The extent of corruption leaves you baffled, you shake your head, assure yourself that this is life and living in developing country comes with its problems, and reluctantly start dialing this converted number. Boom! the internet connects, you smile, and for a moment you think that you are back on the information highway. Soon does it dawn upon you that instead you have jumped on a ‘’broken disinformation street’’. Checking your hotmail account ends up taking almost an hour, and you keep praying that no one ever sends you pictures because it takes you several hours to open. Browsing is out of question, so you log into MSN and start doing what a 24 year old Paki guy does the best. Flirt. Somehow, you manage to hit up on a couple of girls amid multiple disconnections. After the tenth disconnection you give up, walk downstairs, borrow a lighter from your chowkidar, and lit up your Benson.

Is the ability of smoking Benson with a lighter from your chowkidar2 at 2 am in the open air of Karachi the only thing that attracted you back to Karachi? You wonder.

1. Cyber net, Karachi’s premier internet service provider
2. Chowkidar, a gatekeeper who ends up also running multiple chores of house

Miss my blog?

2006-09-11T01:23:00.000-07:00

Yes, I know I have not written in a while. And I know its a matter of blogging etiquetes to write atleast once a week. Nevertheless, I have been trying to pack up my stay in USA, and have been without a computer and dsl for a bit now. So, if you can, please pardon my absence from the wonderful world of blogs.

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Working in an investment bank makes you learn one thing that is impossible to be learned anywhere else. I-bankers have a tendency to make a big deal out of nothing. One example could be the desperate ambition to recruit an intern. It is common amongst investment banks to put their heart and soul (not to mention the blood) into recruiting their interns as full time employees. The banks try to sell themselves in every way possible, ranging from wining and dining to gentle coercing. What is even more hilarious is that one VP, who is the recruting incharge for this year. Its incredibly funny to have a conversation with him regarding the interns, because the guy is dead scared that the intern may not aceept a full time offer.

Talk about making big deals out of nothing.

May I have a refill please? Its diet coke, easy ice.

2006-08-21T01:02:00.000-07:00

I think if someone were to ask me the most innovative and unique invention of American culture, it would be a free refill. By offering such distinct advantage of getting another coke without paying any sum, restaurants have truly engrained into American minds that a coke, or for that matter any type of soda, is actually worth $1.00 - $1.75; when indeed, many of my friends who have been intimately involved in restaurant business, will convince you that the cost is 10 cents, if that.

Truth be told, I must admit that I love the fact that I can devour as many diet cokes as I desire without ever caring about the money. Somehow, I have convinced myself that by drinking liters and liters of diet coke, I make up for the exorbitant meal prices that restaurants charge. Perhaps that’s one of the reasons I never take a order to go; you don’t get a free refill, remember?

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One of my dear friends, and an ex-roommate, took it to another level. Now for purposes of privacy, I shall conceal his identity. Also, anyone who went to UT-Austin, or who has had the pleasure of grabbing a bite at the notorious atrium of UT Business school, can probably relate to it better than others. Still, I may not keep this ferocious act a secret to non-Longhorns¹.

So the legend has it, that this malicious friend of mine has long had an extreme loathing for fast food restaurants and their pricy meals. On entering the business school at UT, he noticed that the food serving in atrium was monopolized by Burger King. Cunning as he was, he noticed that the only way of defeating the ever hiking inflation was to take sheer advantage of this refill policy. This guy thus devised a plan of never buying a soda from Burger King, and instead, using the same glass for weeks, months, and perhaps years. So shameless he was, that I once saw him holding that glass while he was wearing a nice suit, all dressed up for an interview.

What transpired between him and Burger King only God knows. What I can tell you is that when I visited McCombs school of Business earlier this year, there were no signs of a Burger King. After several years of serving the UT business school community, the remnants of BK were not where to be found. Instead, the space is now occupied by a classy O’s café. And in case you have not guessed already, there are no free refills any more.

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On this past Tuesday, something incredible happened to me that really lead me to reevaluate multiple aspects of my life. After a crucifying long night, I started to head home at around 5 am; after working for approximately 20 hours. Continuously. Although my office is connected to the garage via an underground tunnel, I prefer to walk in the open to get some fresh air. As I started to enter the garage, I saw a gorgeous young blonde walk behind me. Gentlemen that I am, I graciously opened the door for her. She had a fresh look on her face, a beautiful smile, and gait full of confidence. Recognizing my politeness, she responded with a smile and said ‘Good Morning’.

I am not sure if it was her smile, or the fact that she said ‘Good Morning’ at a time when I was so ready for some sleep, that I refused to step into the garage. I walked out, lit up Malboro lights, and was entangled in my thoughts. What transpired during those moments could be kept for another time, but the point here is that, it is so easy to loose perspective of real life, of actually what matters, if you are intertwined into making money and making a career. It is not really the fact that when some says Good Morning to me at 5 am in the morning I am surprised. It’s the fact that in this process of trying to prove myself as the best financial analyst, I have forgotten so many elements of life, that form the very core of myself as a human being.

Malboro, as you know, is no Benson. Soon was it over, I shook my head, and went straight back to my car in hopes of catching some sleep. Now it were Benson, things would have been different. But then again, wishes are not horses.

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¹ A student (or former student) of University of Texas at Austin

And then there are Pakistani restaurants…

2006-08-06T23:09:00.000-07:00

You like the food but you hate the environment.

You smell hideous after you go there.

If you are a girl, you are bound to get stared at by hundred guys and thousand uncles.

The waiter is so rude that you actually have to be appropriate and careful before you ‘request’ more food; who is serving whom, you wonder.

You despise…. Loathe, the bathrooms.

You actually have to walk to the cashier and pay, rather than the server brining you a cheque.

You are bound to meet someone you know.

You have never seen any worse interior and furniture than this enterprise.

You are set to get diarrhea the next day.

You will never take your American friends there.

In case it’s still unclear, yes I am talking about this unique establishment found in most of the cities of U.S. - a Pakistani restaurant.

From Afghani to Italian, from French to Jordanian, from Indonesian to African, you name the region, you will find a decent restaurant. Specially, in a city like New York or Houston or Los Angles or Chicago, where more than half the population is not American, such restaurants are abundant. And these restaurants are so much not like their Pakistani counterparts. They are well decorated, well organized, and well managed. These restaurants are not only able to satiate the appetite of their respective natives, but they also form a common ground to introduce the culture and food of such nations. Conversely, I am yet to find a nice, well decorated and professionally managed Pakistani restaurant. Every time I run the numbers, such endeavor makes sense to me, and I remain perplexed as to why none exists?

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Ever notice whenever you go to a Pakistani restaurant and ask for Chai, somehow the Chai (Tea) is not ready? And when you ask them to get it ready, you get this dreadful look and an unenthusiastic reply about how it will take at least take 20 minutes? Where in the world does Chai take that much time? I mean, its either I look like a complete moron, or you are stupid enough to think that a Paki does not know the approximate time needed to make Chai.

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The next time you go to a desi wedding or any occasion of such sort, try to stand by the host, and observe the people who come and congratulate him. (More often then not, this is the bride’s / groom’s dad or brother. As the guests hug their host and shake his hand with utmost pleasure, they also say something in his ear. I have done this multiple times, where I would just observe the phenomenon of guests coming and saying something in their hosts’ ears. In spite of my relentless research, I am unable to figure out what words of wisdoms are being exchanged in such short yet discreet conversations. If anyone knows, please tell me. I am all ears. ¹

¹ I asked my dad this very question once. He gave me a weird look and entirely ignored my question. Whether he thought I had lost it, or if his suspicion that I am an utterly deculturalized Pakistani further solidified, I do not know.

What I do know is this is one of those looks that I get when I act absolutely insane.

If you prick us, do we not bleed?

2006-07-26T10:42:00.000-07:00

I was dejected to hear about the suicide bombing in Karachi, and the subsequent killings of an honorable religious leader. Unfathomable is the intensity of brainwashing the youth goes through in certain religious institutions in Pakistan. Heaps of political, ethnic, and religious mess created by the generals, politicians, and establishment has resulted in such awful situation in Karachi. Not that a developing country does not have problems, but rare it is to see such gruesome acts committed in the name of religion. Of note is the fact that it is a 16 year old of Bengali heritage assassinating a renowned religious scholar of the same religion, just a different sect. Very disappointing.

Says who that only the western world is subject to suicide bombers? Says who that terrorism is affecting the non-Muslims only?

I was speaking to one of the guys I knew from Karachi, and when the topic regarding this assassination erupted, he mentioned how it was a revenge of killings of the Sunni scholars earlier this year.

Baffled, I almost lost it. Why in the world do these people get educated? Are these people deprived of any power of reasoning? For heaven’s sake, but have you lost every sense of respect for your fellow human beings? What are those prayers worth if you do not follow one simple instruction from the Koran.

"Whoever kills a human being, then it is as though he has killed all mankind; and whoever saves a human life, it is as though he had saved all mankind."

For God, stop using religion to justify all your wrongdoings, and please, get the basics right before you start arguing about menial issues. If you cannot coexist with a fellow Muslim, who essentially believes in the same principles, then my apologies but you have no reason to exist. When in the world did such minor differences, which most of the time do not matter at all, became a reason to kill? Did I hear anyone say 1980s? Or did you say Zia?

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Will we ever see Pakistan free of undemocratic forces? Will the power ever go back to the people of this impoverished country? Or will my sons and grand sons also see Ayubs, Yahyas, Zias and Musharrafs with some other name or some unique title? (The best one so far has been the Chief Executive of Pakistan). Creating one mess or other; making the nation suffer for years to come.

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Young enthusiastic Pakistani teenager: Why do the learned men, educated elite, and intellectuals blame the Generals for all ills of Pakistan?

Intellectual: If you prick us do we not bleed? If you tickle us do we not laugh? If you poison us do we not die? And if you wrong us shall we not revenge?¹

¹Quote by Shakespere

I think, therefore, I am…

2006-07-16T22:33:00.000-07:00

I guess I just cannot let the ultra political, super controversial Zeeshan within me die. Every now and then, I will become opinionated, taking extreme sides on profound yet debatable matters. It is ridiculous how you try to give up your true thoughts while residing in a foreign country. It is even more humorous how you try to blend in by thinking like the masses. Nevertheless, it is too hard for an intellectual to give up his thoughts, and just follow the herd. Only time will tell if I am a judicious man, or an infuriated youth. What I can tell you here are two things that happened this week. Events that have prompted me to write, once again, about controversial topics.

Nice to know my mind still functions and I am politically alive.

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Notwithstanding that I am totally against any terrorism, aggression, or matters of such sort, I was baffled to see the recent attacks on Lebanese soil by Israel. Such actions must be condemned with utmost intensity, and the world community should mobilize every possible resource to halt such belligerence. Not that I in anyway support Hezbollah, or any of its sister organizations. Islam does not preach death and destruction, no matter what form it takes. Nevertheless, Israeli actions of targeting the independent nation of Lebanon must be halted. There is always a way to solve matters of discontent peacefully.
It will indeed be very sad if ‘the powers that be’ do not step in and halt this aggression. This could turn into a catastrophe and armless, innocent people will loose the most. Jews, Muslims, Christians, all must step in to avoid further escalation, and to make sure that this conflict is resolved peacefully.

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While boarding my flight for Atlanta yesterday, I decided to grab a magazine to make my take off and landing somewhat productive. As I skimmed through several magazines, my eyes paused at ‘The Economist’. Not because it had the picture of North Korean President on the cover, but because the cover read, in bold block letters, “Unstable Pakistan”.

While I will not bore you with the nuts and bolts of what ‘The Economist’ wrote in its survey, I would recommend everyone remotely interested in this beautiful country to take a peek at this eye-opening report.

What I would like to mention over here is the fact that I found very disturbing, although not too surprising.

The reality is that ‘The Economist’ looked at Pakistan from a purely outsider’s perspective. What saddens me is that the correspondent’s portrayed an excellent picture from a Western perspective, but totally missed the perspective of what goes on in a middle class household of Karachi, or an agricultural household of Lora Lai. Pakistan’s problems do not stem from the so called ‘Mullah factor’ or ‘Taliban factor’, they exist because of constant intervention of undemocratic forces into the affairs of government, and the extreme inequality, injustice and discrimination that prevails thorough every nook and corner of the country. Unless the Western world stops supporting undemocratic forces in overthrowing the politically elected governments, and manipulating the institutions, such ‘factors’ will prevail. The change will have to come from within. Factors, or phenomenon, cannot be crushed. They will be phased out as economic prosperity picks up.

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While I am still committed to be as less personal on my blog as possible, this email is something I really wanted to share with you. A dear friend of mine recently returned from USA to Karachi for his wedding. I have known him since primary school, and little is any doubt in my mind about his allegiance to the ‘Land of pure’. Here is an email from him that he wrote to me after returning from Karachi. Keep in mind that he had returned to Karachi after 6 years.
(If you end up reading your email reproduced, please rest assured that your identity shall be concealed. I just cannot write with the same intensity. I am not patriotic enough.)

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Zeeshan,

………… but please for heaven's sake don't consider moving to Karachi. All the progress in that country, which by the way is determined by nice cars on the street and big houses, all that is on the surface. Neither the country nor the people there have the substance for long term success.

No point in driving 50 Lakh cars when no one can drive in their lanes without honking constantly. No point in having big houses when you have to keep two guards outside to protect it. Okay enuf of this emotional crap from me.

I was very disappointed yaar. Reading Dawn and Jang really made me think that things were getting better there.

Parable

2006-07-10T00:55:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, there was a young man, with much enthusiasm and tremendous fervor to serve his land. Such were his ambitions, and so intense was his commitment, that people started to envy his goals. In his remote tribe, it was considered a matter of pride and prestige to travel to big cities and receive education at renowned institutions. He hailed from an educated family and his father, a dedicated servant of their land, encouraged him to pursue his dreams. This young man, nevertheless, promised his father that he shall return to this beautiful tribe of his. Committed to bring his tribe out of the eternal abyss, this young man concentrated on his studies and cherished the hectic life of the city. Soon however, did he become so involved in this hustle and bustle of the city, that the tribe became less of a concern. The young man was working extremely hard and minting millions. As times passed, he forgot about the tribe and the very reason he had traveled such miles.

Several years later, he succumbed to nostalgia. Armed with financial success and economic pride, he returned to this small tribe of his. He was a foreigner. Everything had changed. The young man’s friends had forgotten him, his home was populated by his siblings, and his relatives too busy to entertain him. Dejected, the young man walked towards the cemetery. It had been a long time, but he could still remember the graves of his grandparents. Now, his parents were buried at the same spot. Surrounded by his pedigree, he took a trip down the memory lane. Depressed, dejected, gloomy and remorseful he was. His father's words, asking him to concentrate on being a good human being, and to serve the society that has given him so much echoed in the never ending silence.

As he walked back to the city, the young man stopped by the farthest corner of the cemetery. On a raised wall, there sat a wish man speaking to his teenager son. History was repeating itself. It was at this very point that he had last seen his father, when his father had bestowed upon him the crux of his experience. It was here that he was instructed never to compromise on principles, and always to give back to his community.

The father and the tribe had been betrayed.

He had become one of those several young men who had left the tribe promising to bring back affluence and prosperity to this tribe. Instead, they choose financial success and a lavish life. The young man was one of those several men who had digressed from their initial path.
To date, the tribe remains in shambles, and waits for a young man to return.

Dating a desi guy 101

2006-07-04T21:59:00.000-07:00

Preamble

This post is written after utter frustration, despair and dejection experienced by us desi girls, whom A-Dhee classified as an extinct species, and on whom the above mentioned self proclaimed writer and preacher, has continued an enduring and relentless tirade. Such unrealistic are his thoughts, and so idealistic are his assumptions, that we are left speechless. What is even heart breaking is the fact the many a people have agreed, albeit in a subtle manner, with such atrocious writings. It is in this state of sheer desperation that we have decided to counter his arguments with our own version of 101s.

DISCLAIMER

This post is written in response to an earlier post by A-Dhee. Be it known that any resemblance to any real life character or person is not a coincidence. Yes, we did want to screw you and we will do it. If you had a grin on your face when you read “Dating a desi girl 101”, then be prepared to cry. You shall weep. Any references made to events are purely intentional and are provided so that the identity of the person cannot be concealed.

Even after reading this mind boggling and eye opening post, if you are not turned into a law abiding, God fearing, tax paying, desi dating guy, then please consult a physician. You are way beyond the realm of our specialization. If you do, however, decide to deliberate, contemplate, and ponder over our thoughts, and you do recognize that the earlier post was nothing more than a diatribe of a disgruntled bachelor, then please note, and please spread the word, that we are not an extinct species. Let the truth be known.

If you agree, please proceed. If you don’t, please agree.

- Talk on the phone at least a 10 times before you head out to a dinner. Any thing between 5 and 10 is an “out girl”, anything between 3 and 5 is an “easy girl”, and anything less than that (less than 3 phone talks) is a “slut”.

- Do not ask your friend to call you to make sure you are fine. This method is trite and commonplace. Please come up with something original.

- If he takes more than two phone calls during the dinner, be ready to pack up. You are with the wrong one.

- Check out his shoes. Desi guys have the worst choice when it comes to shoes. Make it obvious if their shoes suck so they know that they need to buy another pair.

- Never, ever, ever, dress up liberal. This bunch has been noted to form opinion, albeit incorrect, very early. Better to dress be somewhat modest.

- Make sure you take him to an expensive restaurant. Even if he is a D-bag, at least you got a nice meal.

- If he says “we” or “us” about both of you on the first date, switch to Plan B. Your Plan B should be your Plan A now.

- Do not forget to mention that you can cook, even if all you know is how to make tea. The number of brownie points cooking can score you is incredible.

- If he is 24 and still not well settled, chill out. You are desi, remember? Parents don’t kick their children out. In fact, it is vice versa.

- Phrases such as, “it’s a long story” or “Yadai yadai yada”, should raise a red flag, especially if used in relation to an ex. Probe. Probe like you have never before.

- Note the amount of tip he pays. Its incredible how this bunch will spend a ton on dinner, and be a total memon when it comes to tipping.

- Make sure he did not go to UT. That school has produced some obnoxious men.

- Never ever use such words as, “settle down”, “my parents”, “long term”. You are bound never to get a call back.

- Figure out a right time on the first date and call him an FOB. Supplement this by some sort of example no matter how absurd. 99% of the times, the guy himself is on the verge of calling you a FOB and you are way better off taking the lead.

While this list is by no means all encompassing, this could possibly be a tremendous start to a long lasting relationship. I speak with extensive experience in dealing with guys of various sorts and preferences, with my specialty being disgruntled blog writers. If you do find the right guy, he was always yours. If you don’t, this blog will always be free, and I will keep responding to A-Dhee’s erroneous claims.

Hanging in there…

2006-06-26T00:20:00.000-07:00

So this is one of those expressions. It has been almost 4 years since I began the arduous process of understanding the genesis of this meaningless expression. My research took me hundreds of years back to the remains of several civilizations. I used all possible sources and spoke to all researchers. I traveled miles and miles and adopted both a practical and academic approach. Many a times did I see some light at the end of tunnel, but soon were I to realize that it was indeed a mirage. Despite my several attempts to understand what this phrase means, with much shame and dejection, and after years of research, I have given up.

Dude, what the heck does it mean when I remark you “Hey dude” , and your reply is, “Not much, just hanging in there…”. What in the world are you hanging from? Or hanging on to? How come I do not see that incredible being that you are hanging to? Is there a way I can slash the connection because I am tired of you “hanging in there..”? I would rather you stop hanging and get some work done.

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Welcome to Dominos, can you hold please?

Okay. So I have called for delivery at least 100 times. Actually, way more than that. Yet, I am unable to understand why does the chick that picks up the phone asks you to hold right away? I mean, is this a coincidence that out of 200 times I have called for a delivery, 202 times, the chick asked me to hold and then returned 10 minutes later? I thought the whole point of delivery was that it was quick? And how am I supposed to believe that every time I called you had to put me on hold because you were busy?

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If free lance writing could be that hard, what would real writing be like?

That is true. Writing free lance is one heck of a difficult task. You end up spending hours thinking about topics that would be both interesting yet humorous and spend even more time crafting your thoughts into words. Thank God I have a job that requires little thinking. If I were a writer, I would probably have died out of hunger.

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Living in a foreign country is an experience of its own. And when I say experience, I mean one heck of an experience. Check this out. Some time back, some ants and roaches held a roundtable conference, and it was in those moments of deliberations that they unanimously decided to raid my apartment. My forces were not at all prepared for such an intense and meticulously planned attack. Instantly, I was in shambles. As I tried to keep my fort and fight back, I realized that I had no clue what weapons to use. In the end of course, I was able to kick them the heck out of my house, but it incredible how spoiled I am. I did not know that one is supposed to use “Raid” when you are attacked by such beings. Did I hear someone call me dumb?

Dating a desi girl 101

2006-06-18T23:02:00.000-07:00

DISCLAIMER
By reading this disclaimer, you agree to abide by every rule and regulation possible in this world. I am not liable for any injury or death to you. If you get beaten up, please do not bother to post any comments on my blog. (I can block comments). You are responsible for what you do. I am just a looser with not much to do on a Sunday evening. I have never been, and will never be responsible for anything in this world.

Note that desi women are a dangerous being. They can cause mental and physical harm. My advise to you is to stay away from them. This guide is only for those who are stuck in this vicious circle. Note that on 18th June 2006, Desi census bureau declared the “intelligent, gorgeous,, smart and sweet desi girl” an extinct species. If you are looking for one, please give up. Extinct means they are no more.

If you agree, please proceed. If you don’t, please agree.

- Make sure you have a nice car. If you don’t, borrow from your roommate. If he doesn’t have one, rent it. If you end up driving your 94 Honda civic, you would also be writing a blog on weekends.

- Flowers are a no no on first date, but if things go well, on the second date they tend to work out pretty well.

- I have wondered for years. Researched for decades. And experimented for centuries. I am still not sure if you are supposed to hug the girl once you meet her. Different sects have reported varying preference and attitudes regarding this event. Some maintain that it is considered fairly disrespectful, while others argue it is too white washed. Either way, this is somewhere you have to make a judgment call. Considering you are reading this post, I am sure you have had a rough time with judgment calls, but oh well, we all are in the same boat.

- If you started dating a desi girl, and hope that she will chip in for dinner, you are a damn fool. Times and again, on and off, I have tried to argue and convince women into taking this aggressive step. The counter arguments are full of crap. Long story short, be prepared to pick the tab every time you go out. If you stay together, she was always yours. If she leaves you, you will be a poor ass. (Nevertheless, my blog will always be free to read.)

- Never ever ever go to a desi restaurant. You won’t believe how many desi aunties and guys will recognize you there. (Note: Desi uncles will ignore the heck out of you. They know. Been there done that)

- Make sure she doesn’t like Hindi movies. While the dating may go well even with this disorder, your life will be chaotic very soon.

- If you get stuck and don’t know what to talk about, bring up desi clothes. This will be your time to sit back, chill and listen. She will carry the conversation.

- Don’t invite her back home. They will give you a weird look and give you shit about it. Trust me, you will have a next time.

- Don’t mention blondes. Not unless you are up for an extended tirade.

- If they tell you that their work is really important, even if you know they just answer phone calls, pretend to be really interested. Don’t get annoyed. This will die down soon.

- If she text messages you too much, or doesn’t pick up her phone before nine, make sure she is not a memon. That bunch is hard to deal with.

- Don’t go to a sheesha lounge. Instead, buy a pack of Benson and Hedges. (see one of my posts below for reasoning)

- Don’t suggest an icecream unless you really want one. She will never say no. She is desi.

- Look around yourself intermittently. You never know when you will see your Dad’s best friend.

- Try not to talk about ideas. Not even events. Keep it to people. If you want to have an intelligent conversation, you are at the wrong place. Desi women are all about gossip.

- Do not mention any of your ex girlfriends. It’s unbelievable how small this world is.

While this in no way should be considered an all encompassing list, you are better off trying it out. I speak with tons of experience. My expertise includes both ABCDS and FOBS, with special emphasis on break ups, not meeting the parents, being hated by the girl and her friends, and freaking out when hearing the word, “settle down”.

More on this to come. Stay tuned.

And she (they) kept crying…..

2006-06-11T23:07:00.000-07:00

Picture this.

No sleep for 2 days and you have to catch a 4 hr flight the next morning.

Your boss tells you to get everything done tonight since you are on board the next morning.

You plan on getting a sweet 4 hr sleep when on board.

You are all excited about this rare opportunity of uninterrupted sleep. You have made sure not to drink any coffee this morning so you can fall asleep. You roll up your sleeves as soon as the aircraft takes off, you adjust your fan, push your seat back, take a deep breadth, and you are already en route to this long awaited state. A state that you have been looking forward to all night as you cranked numbers.

Oaan Oaan Oaan.

A shrill noise, originating from a somewhere around you, wakes you up. You have no clue what is going on. Baffled, you try to ignore this high pitch voice, and try to head back to your sweet dreams. The voice keeps getting louder and now things are making much more sense to you.

It’s a baby. A crying baby.

You try to fall back asleep again, but the baby has taken upon herself to make sure you do not go to sleep. She cries, she laughs, calms down, and then she cries even louder. Her mom is so tired of her that she lets her cry. You wonder if she has given in, can you keep your fort? As your forces foresee an expected and humiliating defeat, you look at your watch, hoping that you at least got a couple of hours of sleep. Crap. It’s only been 15 minutes.

Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh.

Worse yet, the other baby, sitting a couple of rows ahead, has decided to join the show and is responding with utmost fervor. Is it a show, or a shitshow. You wonder.

I really can’t believe that in this world of science and technology, there has not been a way to calm down these babies. I mean, I really do think that they have some sort of agreement to start crying as soon as they board the plane. A mafia, perhaps? A Baby mafia?

Can you not put them to sleep as soon as they enter the plane? A medicine? Some sort of drug ? please?

All Pediatricians should be made to take a PIA flight from US to Pakistan. It is there that they will discover the baby mania that transpires throughout those 20 crucifying hours. My dear Pediatricians, its not one or two or three, it’s a whole bunch of them, the grand mafia of babies. While it is quite unfathomable how they all start crying together, nevertheless, it is even more incredible how they somehow manage to synchronize it so well.

I can’t emphasize how important it is to invent a medicine that would put these being to bed. Too much leeway has always been extended to babies, and it is about time that some serious thought is given to such gruesome act.

Lest we are to let this species continue with its atrocious behavior, time is not far when the youth of our times will declare an open war against this Baby mafia.

My advice to you is to get married..........¹

2006-06-04T23:06:00.000-07:00

Ever noticed the moment you complete your undergrad, and start working, every Aunty you know brings up the topic of getting married, and starts mentioning all the gals she knows and how beautiful this other Aunty's daughter is. And you are like shit, hope she doesnt know we went out in high school, or OMG, does she know that we made out in college?... Little do aunties know... :)

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I love text messaging. I absolutely love it. I cant believe that finally, a form of communication has been invented, whereby I can convey my message anytime, without worrying about what the other person is upto. Even more convinient is that fact that I dont have to listen to what that person has to say.
I once had a relationship with a girl, exclusively via text messages. I mean, can you believe that I literally spent 10 minutes of my day sending her txt messages, and she never complained that I dont call or whatnot. And you want to know the climax? We even broke up over txt messages.
Technology is definitely poised to make our lives way easier.

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Have you ever had a mutton Taco? I went to this crappy mexican restaurant for dinner, and my friend is like, I will order for you. Rarely do I succumb to such obnoxious behavior, but considering that he claims to have tried 'everything' at that restaurant, I gave up. Very soon did I have 3 weird looking beings in front of me, with my friend devouring his share with unbelievable fervor.
When I was very little, my grandmother taught me not to belittle one's friend. Considering my grandmother's advice, I would stay away from going into any further details of how the evening (read Mutton Taco evening) transpired for me.
My only advice my friends is, before you eat a mutton taco for dinner, be prepared for a long night. A very long one indeed.

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¹ "My advice to you is to get married. If you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not you'll become a philosopher." - Socrates

Sweet memories of a memorial day weekend...

2006-06-01T22:27:00.000-07:00

Have you every noticed how in USA almost every major holiday is on a Monday. I think this is what really makes America the best country to call home. I mean tell me one other country where a Memorial Day is defined as last Monday of May? or Labor day is defined as 1st Monday of September?
Considering this, I wont be surprised if the independece day is changed from 4th July to 1st Monday of July.

Also, have you noticed how people start leaving early from work on Fridays before such weekends because its a 3 day weekend? I mean, wtf. You are already off for 3 days, why are you leaving early on Friday? Does it make any sense to make a 3 day weekend, a 3.5 day weekend?

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Have you ever noticed how gals always like to go smoke Sheesha/Hookah with you, but the moment you mention Benson/Malboro, they are all pissy? Worse yet, they start telling you how you will have to quit smoking if this is 'going anywhere'¹? I mean, come on dude, its pretty much the same thing.
Well actually not. For Sheesha, I spend 10 bucks, plus any drinks / food that I have to buy for you. Ballpark, it comes to around 40 bucks for both of us. On Benson and Hedges, I spend $3.50 and it makes sure that you stay away from me.
You be the judge, whats a better deal ?

¹ I despise this whole sentence, "if this is to go anywhere...... / if this is going anywhere...." I mean where could it possibly go? Lets have some more clarity on where really could it go, please? Just so I also know that magical somewhere where "it is going..."

My wife left with my best friend, and I sure miss him a lot......

2006-05-29T23:38:00.000-07:00

Ok, so this post has nothing to do with above, but I found this absolutely hilarious.

Anyway, a couple of random insights.

One thing I have never understood, and will never understand, is why do Desi uncles try to speak English with you when you are talking to them in Urdu?
Ok, check this out. I call this uncle for some important stuff. I know from first hand experience that he likes his kids (who are somewhat my age) speak Urdu at home. Nevertheless, the uncle kept talking in English.
If anyone knows, please let me know so I stop getting pissy at my uncles.

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When do you get paid?
At the end of month. (ie After you have busted your ass for a month)

When do you pay at a restaurant?
After you are done eating

When do you pay for a car?
After you get the new vehicle in your hands.

When do you pay for dry clean?
After you get your clothes back.

Notice the word After above. Now lets look at the apartment complexes.

Who in the world has allowed them to charge the rent even before the month begins?

Anyone who has taken ECON 101 or FIN 101 knows that the apartment complex earns tons of interest on this money, because they don't pay out their costs until the end of month. Remember, the leasing office lady does not get paid until the end of month, just like you?

Math is simple. An apartment complex with 100 apartments, $1,000 rent on each of the apartment has $100,000 at the beginning of month and doesnt pay its vendors until the end of month. Even if the management earns 5% a year, that means $5,000 bucks right there. Notice that this crap continues since they recieve the rent well in advance every month to keep this "buffer". They probably earn more than 5%, somewhere in the range of 10-15% if they know where to put money.

What a huge shitshow.

I thought the apartment associations are supposed to protect the rights of tenants? Did I hear someone say Mafia?

Whose bread I eat, his song I sing......

2006-05-23T23:49:00.000-07:00

Today's post is full of insights:

Have you noticed how all your friends, right the day they begin their first job, start referring to their companies as US or WE or Our?
Some examples:
"We are No.1 in syndicated bank loans"
"Our stock went up 12% today"
"Our firm values diversity and integrity"
"This acquisition will help us grow our retail business"

I mean, come on dudes, you are just a piece of crap. You started working there 3 months ago and you already feel such allegiance to your company? Do I really have to remind you that you are the lower most species in your group?

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Kramer in Sinfield:
How can I spend my life with someone like you? You have no meaning in life, no goal in life, no reason for existence. I cannot spend my life with someone like you. You are a burden on the society.....

Hilarious.

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So why does it so happen, no matter how hard I try, that every time I shave for a big day, I end up missing a spot and happen to notice it when I am out of my house?

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"Long ago, Mark Twain said: A man who tries to carry a cat home by its tail will learn a lesson that can be learned in no other way. If Twain were around now, he might try winding up a derivatives business. After a few days, he would opt for cats. "

Warren Buffet

Charter of Democracy or the height of Hypocrisy?

2006-05-17T12:12:00.000-07:00

So the day before yesterday, in the corridors of an apartment in London, a city deemed to be a beacon of democracy, 2 former Prime Ministers of Pakistan signed a document that perhaps could change the course of history for this poor and failed nation. A Charter of Democracy.

Yes that is correct. 2 Arch rivals who could not possibly ever work in coherence, who could not let the other one be in opposition, let alone function together, who called each other a 'security risk' (I have know idea wtf does this mean), and one of them publicly proclaimed that other's sight makes his/her blood boil with anger and disgust, have decided to work together for the 'greater good of country'

My first reaction to this announcement was, what a height of hypocrisy?

Yes, these two PMs are Benaziar Bhutto and Nawaz Sharif. Honestly, if you take the puppets out, these are the only real PMs Pakistan has had in past 2 decades. What does this mean? This means that the politically intelligent people have to make a decision now. This is probably one of the few chances history will ever give us to let the great institution of democracy return to Pakistan.

And now we get to the 64 dollar question. Why do we need democracy? Especially when the Army is doing so well and the country is on its road to making unbelievable strides towards stability and prosperity?

Lets cut the crap short. Shall we?

The country is fallen into this ebb of lawlessness, corruption, inflation, foreign debt, etc. And if we think sitting in our drawing rooms in Defense Karachi, Modeltown Lahore, or F8 Islamabad, that everything is well because the country is, in fact, on the right track, then either we are fools or we are like a cat. (A cat, it is told to me, shuts its eyes when he sees a danger coming. Right away, there is darkness and he can not see the danger anymore. He is satisfied that its all dark and he is safe, but indeed, the danger is right there, mighty and merciless, ready to make its move)

I know democracy has failed in Pakistan, at least in the past decade or so. But is the answer to our problems letting the gunmen takeover? I have nothing against the army, I completely support each and every soldier who sacrifices his life for my nation. They are the true savior of our nation. Nevertheless, I am against the 'General'. The elite of Pakistan who thinks that they have somehow been endowed with the right to rule. When, indeed, they were asked just to protect.

If we want to make any material progress whatsoever, we will have to, absolutely have to, let the democratic forces return. Never ever have Generals been an answer, and never could they ever be. And I hear you when you say that we should not let same faces return. We have to. Leaders will not come from nowhere. For the new faces to enter this arena the institutions have to be developed and we have to let democracy flourish. The reality my friends is, that Nawaz and Benazir are still the most popular leaders of Pakistan and can rally the masses. We do not have a choice. We have to let them return. And more importantly, we have to make sure that the reigns of government are left to democratically elected leaders.

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Both Benazir and Nawaz Sharif exchanged their pen after signing the 'Charter'. Could they please deposit these pen with the people of Pakistan, so the next time they stab each other in the back, and ask the Army to interfere and fulfill its obligation of 'saving' the country by kicking a democratic government out, we, the people, can show them these pen and remind the of the 'Charter'. Lest they forget.

Frailty, thy name is woman!

2006-05-14T22:37:00.000-07:00

So why does your paki ex girlfriend, who ended up getting married to this ugly dude and has a kid now, makes her kid call you a 'mamoo'?¹
I mean come on dudette, your son is only 6 month old, he cant even understand anything, let alone speak. why make him call me mamoo? Obviously, its not your son, its you who needs a cover up.

...... Frailty, thy name is woman !................

¹ The word Mamoo stems its origin from Urdu language, and is usually used for a maternal uncle. So my mother's brother is my Mamoo.

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Another weekend is coming to an end, and there is so much to write and so little time.

By the way, have you ever noticed how guys hate buying shoes and how gals love buying shoes? I mean, I try my best to buy a pair of shoes that would last me forever and would make sure that I do not return to Salvatore Farragamo again. Ever. Yet, atleast once every few months or so, I have to go through the ordeal of trying and retrying a pair, and scratching and rescratching my heads about a design.

So as you could probably guess, I had to buy a pair this weekend and it was a painful experience. Very painful indeed. Finally, it came down to a point where I was so tired and spent, that I bought whatever I could and got out of that shop.

Interestingly though, the whole warehouse (I didnt go to Farragamo, I went to DSW. I am still the scum beneath the scum. Lets hope one day I can afford Farragamos) was filled with beautiful young women, enjoying the wonderful yet stimulating experience of searching, trying and contemplating different designs of shoes.

I dont know if men are from Mars or not, but women definetely are from Venus.

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Random question:
What is the appropriate word for 'Lota'¹ in english?

¹ Sorry, no definition. Thats the reason I am asking. Had a white friend visit my place when in college, and he is like, what the heck is this? (It was not even a real 'Lota' , just a pot)
I was speechless and still am. Please help.

.."Just tired. And so am I"...

2006-05-10T22:03:00.000-07:00

Dear A-Dhee bhai,
Assalamualikum

I hope you are doing well.

Azad Kashmir is fine and struggling to get back to normal. Life is full of pain and misery, and the cities and towns are still in shambles. Its unbelieveable how few moments in October last year have completely damaged every single town. How saddening it is.

Anyways, I am not even sure if you remember me or not. I am Ali's younger brother. Ali was in college with you and later ended up becoming a doctor. First doctor in our family A-dhee bhai. How excited was my ammi to see him full of passion and enthusiasm, willing to serve the poor people of Azad Kashmir.

The earthquake turned everything upside down. Ali bhai was killed and our younger sister, Ayesha is still missing. She is probably dead as well, perhaps buried under the debris of some school. Ammi keeps crying ever since, and Ali's wife, Nadia bhabi lost her husband, a couple of months after their marriage.

I have no reason and no authority to challenge this natural disaster. Perhaps, this is what we really did deserve based on our shortcomings. What I am bitter about the apathy of Pakistani government, and more so, about Pakistani people in general. Do you realize A-dhe bhai what we have been through? We have lost everything. Everything. And its not me, or Ameen, or Saleem, or Qazi, or Shams. Every single family is devasted. And what help did we receive from your people A-Dhee bhai? Except for little help in the beginning, we have been shelterless. We feel, so rightly, that there is absolutely no one in this country of 140 million peoples, who would come and help us, lend us a hand, tell us that they share our pain. Is this the country you talked about when you Ali bhai, Nadia bhabi, Madiha baji, Zubair bhai sat down and argued about country's politics all night long? Remember you once wrote a speech for me, and you began the speech with what you always began your speech with. "Awaaz - e - khalq ko naqqara - e - khuda samjhoo" (The word of people shall be construed as the wordings of God). So Zeeshan bhai, the word of people in Azad Kashmir is clear. Our Pakistani brothers have been unable to lend us a helping hand, and we have been left by ourselves to deal with this catastrophy. How ironic the word 'Azad' in Azad Kashmir is. I wonder.

Nadia baji tells me that you still have attachment to this country, even though you have backed away from your vows to initiate reforms and the plans to fight for the rights of have nots. I dont believe her, and I think you have transformed into a money making machine, whose sole goal is to live a lavish life. You probably dont even remember us, or even worse, your own city Karachi. Perfectly fine with me, but I wanted to share my thoughts with someone, and since Ali bhai is no more, and Ammi keeps saying that you are her son, I thought I would write you.

Nadia bhabi gave birth to a young boy a couple of weeks back, and we named him Mohammad Ali, after my brother. He is wonderful and is one of the few good things that has happend to us in the last few weeks. Ammi keeps asking why dont you come back and serve the country, and how come nither you, nor Zubair bhai showed up and helped your own people when we were in dire need. Please write to her since she really thinks you as Ali bhai, now that he is gone.

I hope else is fine with you. Please circulate this thought amongst your 'educated/elite' class, so they might have a reality check. A much needed one, indeed.

Your sincerely,
Usman Ghani

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E Cummnis:

You have played (I think);
And broken the toys you were fondest of...
And are a little tired now;
Tired of things that break and
-Just tired.
So am I.

MSFT down 15%

2006-05-06T00:55:00.000-07:00

So check this out. I decide to buy this really stable company's stock, Microsoft, after conducting thorough financial and multiples analysis. Within the next few days, it goes down by almost 15%. So I buy more, thinking that my analysis was right and that it should be back up. It goes down again.

Does the name A-dhe have tendency to bring down anything it is associated with?

Maybe I should become part of the current paki government?

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Random thought.

What the heck does it mean when someone asks you, 'Are you wearing a cologne?'
I mean, dude, do you really think I smell this good naturally?
Further, is it a complement or an insult? should I rather not wear it, or should I wear it since its good?
Cant you be a little more specific, and be like, "Buddy, you smell good !" or alternatively, "Dude, what the heck are you wearing"

I would rather know whether you like it or not than try to decode your remarks.

To date or not todate, that is the question - ADhee

2006-05-02T22:54:00.000-07:00

Okay, I know you are like, wtf.
For me, this really is the key question of my life. And I believe the reason is that I have messed up so many times, that it absolutely makes no sense to give it another try. Still, I roll up my sleeves every Friday/Saturday evening, dress up like a rock star, and raise the roof. Ofcourse, the roof ends up getting crashed, but hey I tried.

More on this to come, but one thing I have been scratching my heads about is related to Desi girls. Why in the world do desi women have such an issue calling a date a date? I mean why in the world do you have to be 'friends' or even worse, 'just friends' and at the same time you are going out. Interestingly enough, whenever you go out, the girl will make sure not to term it a date. And you know what totally flips me out? The fact that you still have to pay for the dinner. I mean come the heck on. If you aint going to let it be a date, atleast pay for your own share.

And then there is this huge transformation of relationship, which ofcourse happens in the girls head, and the guy is not only supposed to decipher the sudden change of roles, but alter his attitude accordingly, along with taking the 'initiative'.

What a shitshow.

Consequently, in the greater interest of guys in general, and myself in particular, I have decided not to date desi girls, unless we agree the very first time that its a date.

Any blondes out there? A-Dhee is up for grabs :)

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If you are wondering what a Desi is, please excuse me till I get a whole weekend off and get a chance to write about this unique yet compelling creature of Indian / Pakistani decent. While I belong to the same race, nevertheless, for the greater good of human kind, I promise not to be prejudiced, and be very forthcoming about about this community. Buckle up guys. The hell will soon let loose.

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Word of Wisdom (also an insight)
Every time you see a desi resume, discount everything by 50%. If he/she went to UT, discount it by 75%. If you dont, you will end up with a pakistani IB analyst, who struggled with calculating yield on a corporate bond in 2003.

Puerto Rico runs out of money

2006-05-01T23:10:00.000-07:00

Cnn.com, although very informative at times, is full of crappy stories. After a long time though, a story caught my eye. Here is a synopsis.

The government of Puerto Rico ran out of money Monday, forcing the U.S. commonwealth to close public schools and shut down government offices, putting almost 100,000 people out of work.

How in the world could a US commonwealth run out of money? Pretty unfathomable to me. And if you do actually run out of money, how do you run the government? In any case, funny story.

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On a rather random note, I have always wondered as to why is 2% fat milk called 2% fat milk? I mean, what exactly does that mean? does it have 2% less fat than actual milk, or does it have only 2% of the fat that is contained in pure milk.

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Today was 1sy May. Apparently, its celebrated as the labor day in Pakistan. Unfortunately, while everyone who makes above PKR 50,000 stayed home, all the drivers, maasis (maids) and anyone who makes less than PKR 3,000 showed up at work. Very unfortunate.

Yet another reason I would rather be in USA. Atleast here the labor day is always on a Monday. (and hence the long weekend) Talk about Americans being creative.

Scum beneath the scum

2006-04-30T22:25:00.000-07:00

What a crappy weekend it was......

wondering why it was so shitty? Well, the weekend was pretty much shrunk down to a couple of hours.

thats correct. I am the scum beneath the scum at the bottom of a beer keg. I am an investment banking analyst. As an ib analyst, 100 hrs a week is a good week, and if you actually have time to get a decent sleep on a friday night, you are supposed to be jubilant.

I can probably keep writing about how my life sucks for hours and hours. I guess its a fuction of the bitterness level being at record high levels after a shitty little weekend.

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I have been intermittently following Nepal's political turmoil. How happy was I to see that an autocratic King was overthrown by the democratic forces. Even more satisfying was the fact that he had to reinstate the same parliment he had dissolved a couple of years ago. If this is not democracy then what is?

I wonder if the genes and ambitions of Nepalese men are that much different from us Pakistanis, or is it just the apathy that surrounds our nation?

Insights?

2006-04-20T14:51:00.000-07:00

Alright. So first things first.

Insights?
Insights here may not be taken in its literary term. It is indeed a phenomenon.
When I coined this phenomenon back in college, I had no idea that it will have such diverse yet all encompassing connotation.
Insights refer as much to meaningless talks as it does to meaningful and factual information. Its one of those few phenomenon which have the simultaneous capability of making you laugh, smile, think, ponder, perceive, contemplate, etc.
Okay I know I do not make any sense now, but as you read through this blog, you will see exactly what an insight is.

A-Dhee?
Well, if you are a Pakistani, you are bound to be given a crappy nick name.
A-Dhee, or A.D, is a pretty good one though. It drives its origins from my last name Adhi or Edhi, which essentially is a fairly common last name. I am just glad I didnt get any of those crappy (crappier) nick names. Trust me, they are not even worth mentioning.

About me?
I don't think there is any reason why I should talk about myself. Whether I am a piece of crap, or a big swinging dick, what should matter is what I write and how I write it.
Said in the form of an insight,

Blog reader: A-Dhee, tell me about yourself.
A-Dhee: Dont try to get to know me. "Know thyself."¹

¹ Know thyself is a quote from Shakespearere, by the way.